why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Randomize
