He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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