i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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