so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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