I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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