i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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