Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
