i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
