I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
