Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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