My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize