put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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