i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
