Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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