I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
