you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Ketchup is God's man juice
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize