Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
