Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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