And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize