he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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