Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
