There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
