laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
