my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
