yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
