I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize