then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
