I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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