evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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