Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
