drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
