That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
