i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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