I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
