Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
