I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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