I think I won the penis lottery.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
