I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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