Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
