Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
