How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
