I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
