He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
