Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
