how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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