everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
