Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
