I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
