We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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