I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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