Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
