peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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