Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
