It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
