The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my shit smells like andre
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
