I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize