I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
