Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
