They should really pass out barf bags in church
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
