THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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